Thursday, September 28, 2006 | 1:36 AM

just let me die

i'm feeling extremely upset now.

pitiable, pathetic, helpless, miserable, wretched, forlorn, traumatised... whatever you want me to be.

such a loser i am.i can't even do a simple thing correctly.and with all that exams coming... what do you want me to do?i can't study.realisation that i'm going to get kicked into some lousy class isn't egging me on any more.after all, i am already in one.more importantly, i don't see any results even when i study so hard.it's such a mystery when i notice that i still lag behind even though i see my marks improving.there's no bloody way i can do well enough.and all i want is to get into an AVERAGE 8 subject stream, for now at least.

dreaming doesn't help.it only brings back thoughts of what could have been.i'll just sit there and stare into space, mind turned void.

these few days, i keep thinking of how much happier i would be if i were dead.i'd then be free of all worries.all worries vanishing... myself fleeing from this cruel place that i have lived 14 years in.

making ardous efforts, shedding tears, losing sleep and peace of mind... whatever for?i won't get what i want in the end.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 | 5:02 AM

every day is bumpy

Today is an especially special day.One month and twenty-four days I have waited.I sure am patient and devoted.

i don't know what to say and do any more.i seriously don't want to enter some 7-subject stream.maybe i'll kill myself if i ever get into one.

which method should i use?overdosage of sleeping pills, jumping down from the building, or slashing both my wrists and neck?

i cannot open up.so you all don't really know of the torment, though i suppose you could try to at least understand it.but after all, you're still you and can never be me.nobody'd want to, anyway.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 | 3:40 AM

Admitting to the whole world now, that i think i'm depressed.

why doesnt that sound most wrong?depressed people reportedly refuse to own up about their own condition.am i just being 'emo'?oh so trendy, the next thing i'll be up to is slashing my own wrist.

gah that is totally out of point.what i want to tell the world right now is that i am feeling totally lousy.like before, when i want to cry and the urge cancels itself out a few minutes later.i'm always feeling so anxious for no reason.always waiting for something to appear, and the getting of disappointment turns into a daily routine.

everything weighs so heavily on my shoulders these days, especially my schoolbag, with that great pink file containing such an obscene number of notes and worksheets and badly-done test papers.all the completing of homework, the still not-there starting of revision, the expectations i have to meet.what a break this is turning out to become.

and i'm still trying to condition a blighted soul.words, i know nothing of.it's so hard for me to express myself these days, every attempt comes out flawed.can anyone understand me?most people just want to share happy moments together, but i totally hate fair-weather friends although i daresay i'm one myself.

forget it.i'm just raising the number of posts entered into this account.empty words are all that i can come up with.i've lost feeling, sadly.

oh mathilde, i'm just like you, save for the fact that you're not there.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 | 5:59 AM

lucky 7, so called

tagged by huijun

7 weird facts about me ;
1. i like to laugh at my own jokes and go 'oh my i amuse myself so'
2. i only like subjects when i do well in them
3. i'm extra-sensitive.really.
4. i like it when people tell me that they don't understand what i say because i sound so 'cheem'
5. i like forcing myself to do things that i hate(not counting participating actively in school, though)
6. if i don't get to use the computer i'll feel strangely deprived
7. my sense of humour..?

7 habits about me ;
1. i like to make fun of others
2. acting cute on purpose(to annoy them)
3. i do my homework on the bed
4. speaking in a horrid mix of english & chinese which makes me sound very unflattering
5. always letting my thoughts fall onto the same thing whenever i've nothing else on my mind
6. must listen to music every day.i even listen to prokofiev lor!all my sister's mp3's fault
7. always cupping my face with both of my hands

7 things about me ;
1. i get jealous easily
2. i've got this inferority complex thing going on
3. i don't have a religion
4. i love music
5. i love my friends
6. i absolutely love playing my violin
7. i like writing very much

7 people to do this ;
1)alicia
2)shiping
3)shinny
4)daphne
5)
6)
7)

Thursday, September 14, 2006 | 1:18 AM

-

i just had a horrible day, minus the late coming.

the first period we had today was english, and mrs low gave out our comprehension papers.my result was relieving at first, and then i woke up to realise that my score was utter b.s.whatever happened, ever since i entered this school?if the teachers here are bent on giving me bad grades even if i tried hard, then what's with the english a* for my PSLE?

i want to work hard, i want to try.i want to see my results flourish and not let myself get demoralised.but all i get in return for my utmost effort is some fail grade or some mark hovering along that bloody line.sometimes, i spend the whole afternoon studying for tests but that still leaves me very much doubtful if i could even pass it or not.

the worst thing about doing badly is seeing everyone else getting a much higher grade than my own.and in the next test when i get an A1, all of you score full marks.you probably think that i get over stuff like these easily but bloody hell, I DON'T.my mark against yours.the drastic difference plasters itself against the wall of my mind and it's negativity echoes all over the place.i cannot forget it, and i cannot bring myself to do anything further.i'll just sit there and sulk, and over time be forgotten by the rest of the world.

it hurts so much, to the extent that i'll just sit down and cry in silent despair till my throat goes hoarse and i end up not wanting to do anything else.school's toll is creeping up my spine and tearing away slivers of my sanity each day, devouring them with relish never before.

so after english we had The Math Test.i hope i don't do badly, for i really studied hardest for all Math Tests this year.failing isn't particularly pleasant, either.

my eyes are shut, my ears gone deaf.my mouth stitched up, my senses gone numb.to speak of tragedies before me, you shalt not.

Monday, September 11, 2006 | 3:25 AM

let it fall

i walked home in the rain today.it was a short distance, from the bus stop outside to the backgate of my estate.this was the first time i've ever braved through the rain and wind without the aid of my umbrella.walking like that didn't seem enjoyable.it was cold, my blouse clung to my skin, and my shoes were making squishy sounds with every hassled step forward.

it was only when i was nearing the corridor that i learnt to appreciate the rain.i was never a friend of the scorching sun, and it seems only natural that i should embrace the tears shed from above.low temperatures and howling winds top it off well too.

the rain wakes me up to my senses, but is walking in it the best way to do so?oh no, the tears i cry without reason do the job much better.

Sunday, September 10, 2006 | 1:27 AM

sad, broken, i drift alone
an individual forever, i moan
then settling snug, only to be hurt once more
my peace shattered, soul torn and sore


pardon the rockiness.just something recollective.but will i still remember this in days, weeks, months and years to come?unlikely.this shall be buried in the grave of forgottance, just like the withered rose of our friendship.

Friday, September 08, 2006 | 5:54 AM

bbb sighting!red stripes over black

i had band today.last practice, and it's goodbye for a month or so.hello studies!i had my first appointment with you today at woodlands library!i hope to see and learn much much more of you in short time to come!

on the way to the mrt station, ms wan called me.uhm wow, how did she find my number?i couldn't hear anything because the bus was noisy. i suppose she wasn't very happy about that.

yeah so hj and i were late beyond redemption.alright Merciful Inez forgave us but i still feel bad about only completing my math paper and reading a few chapters of my Lit text today.oh just leave me alone i'm desperate for better grades!the library was packed, sadly.3 of us sat on the floor and propped our homework on the cushions.it was alright, though a table would have been greatly preferred.sadly all the ones i have at home are piled with TRASH NOT BELONGING TO ME.i feel that i've kind of wasted this day.O Homework, do allow me to conquer you!

besides the forced rejoice over homeworking, hj and i had fun sneaking McDonalds drinks into the Cafe Galilee there.i wanted to drink it in full view of the counter staff but there was this humungous man who looks like a beef patty so... you get the idea?fine.all my plans to piss off the pissed-looking counterstaff came to nought.grrrrrrrrrr i dont like those people alright?they seem to have a problem with me, even though i didnt speak to them at all.

my most-fun habit of late:bbb-sighting!ooh, very exciting, no?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006 | 1:49 AM

life goes on and has changed.so have i!

have you heard?it recently dawned on me that i am a student.and a student's life should be driven by studying as my purpose!honestly, i am looking very much forward to pulling up my grades.i don't want history to repeat itself, especially when it hurt very much.

i have come to terms with a part of myself.although i have already turned 14, i'm still behaving very childishly.all my friends tell me that i'm childish, though i'm not offended by that since that word(to me, at least) conjures up thoughts of exuberance and youthfulness, which is not necessarily a bad thing.but i should learn to be more sensitive and sensible.to understand what others are going through, to be less self-indulgent, to learn of what is really going on, and to realise in time if i had hurt anyone.

sorry to the people that i have disappointed, upset or hurt.even more so if i care for you.i'm far from perfect, and an incorrigible pessimit very often.forgive me for the parts that i am trying to change about myself.the rest are untouchable.i do not know how they came about in the first place, and i have not found a way to approach and deal with them for now.

it's time to study and work hard.shed tears or blood(okay too dramatic) i may, all in an effort to emerge from trials to come a smarter person!go studies i must not enter 7subject stream.

Saturday, September 02, 2006 | 2:43 AM

qns 3 and 33 are missing

got tagged by huijun the Great!
1.Full name: tan xin lin
2.Name backwards: nil nix nat... whatever it really sounds like.
4. Meaning of name: don't know, and not very interested in that.
5. Nickname: don't have one
6.Screen name: (mine often varies)
7. D.O.B: 22nd march 1992
8.Place of birth: thomson medical centre(or something like that)
9. Nationality: Singapore
10.Current location: my brother's bedroom
11.Star sign: Aries
12.Religon: (NA)
13.Height: none of your business
14.Weight: none of your business
15.Shoe size: unsure.i can wear both 5 and 6.
16.Hair color: black
17.Eye color: brown
18.Who do you look like: not alot of people
19.Innie or outtie: i have no idea what these words mean, you hippie quiz-setter
20.Lefty or righty: righty
21.Gay, straight, bi or others: straight
22.Best friends: shiping!!!!!!!
23.Best friends you trust most: not very sure
24.Favourite pals: my recess gang!
25.Best friend of opposite sex: don't really have any in the first place
26.Best buddies: my recess gang!
27.Boyfriend or girlfriend: none at the moment
28.Crush: hey i dont really get this thing.am i supposed to name my 'current crush' or my 'first crush' or my 'favourite crush'?all 3 sound stupid.
29.Parents: none.i live my life without them
30.Worst Enemy: i'm not that childish to have any.
31.Favourite online guy: none
32.Favourite online girl: none
34.Craziest friend: yicen
35.Advice friend: none.i dont treat my friends as agony aunts.
36.Loudest friend: not sure.
37:Person you cry with: none.
38.Any sisters: one
39.Any brothers: one
40.Any pets: miffy and brownie my 6yearold rabbits!
41.Any disease: well...i get diagnosed with dont-feel-like-it every schoolday morning
42.Pager: none
43.Personal phone line: mine's under my fathers name
44. phone: you asking for the brand, or what?(this quiz is confusing)
45.Lava Lamp:
46.Pool or hot tub: swimming pools in my estate
47.A car:
48.Your personality:
49.Driving: not old enough
50Room:shared with!gah
52.Whats missing: many, many things
53.School: cedar girls sec
54.Bed: my own?
55.Relationship with parents: bad
56.Believe in yourself: no
57.Believe in love at first sight: indeed.it depends on what you're in love with.
58.Good listener: unlikely
59.Get along well with parents: no
60.Save e-mail convos: i dont use email to converse
61.Pray: sometimes, for my friends
62.Believe in reincarnation: no
63.Make fun of people: occasionally, but i feel guilty after that
64.Like to talk on the phone: no
65.Want to get married: if i find the right one
66.Like to drive: i dont drive anything
67.Motion Sickness: i suffer from that
68.Eat stem of broccoli: yea
69.Eat chicken with fork: yar..dyou think i'll use a stick instad?
70.Dream in color: yup.when i dream in black&white everything becomes slow-mo and extra romantic.for no reason!
71.Type with your fingers on home role: whats home role
72.Sleep with stuff animals: yea
73.Next to you: many stuff
74.On the walls of your room: wardrobe, my brothers ugly paintings...
75.On your mousepad: grey with black dots, and my mouse
76.Dream car: volkswagen!very cute
77.Dream date: ?
78.Dream honeymoon spot:don't know
79.Dream husband or wife: don't have any
80.Bedtime: 10pm
81Under your bed: dust
82.Single most important question: i don't ask myself questions all the time
83.Bad time of the day: oh so many of them i shan't list any
84.Your worst fear: oh so many of them i shan't list any
85.The weather is: making me faint
86.Time: 6.03pm
87.Date: 2nd september
88.Best trick did on someone:i don't prank people.it's horribly mean
89.Theme song:Maimi Yamasaki is stuck in my head currently
90.Hardest thing about growing up:how all my worst fears and problems clump together and drop like a bombshell onto my life
91.Funniest experience:don't remember any, which tells me i haven't experienced anything close to that
92.Scariest experience:i don't get scared often.it's more of me getting nervous
93.Silliest thing you have ever said:don't remember.my memory's failing me
94.Most desperate and funniest thing i have done to get the opposite sex :i'm very reserved when i am with boys, so none.
95.Scariest thing while you are with your friends:
96.Worst feeling:regret, loneliness, unspoken anguish burning in my heart
97.Best feeling in the world:joy and love!
AND NOW, CHOOSE SIX TO DO THE QUIZ!
undecided list of people..you can do it if you want to

Friday, September 01, 2006 | 6:04 AM

it's been rather hard for me these days.really.i suppose it has been tough for all of you as well.for i am but an insignificant being, going with the flow when the tide of emotional crisis overwhelmes my whole world.it crashes, i break down, mope and do nothing else.

nothing else.. and thus i'll dwell on it no more.michelle has made me realise, for once, that results do not matter much and the essence is in the part when you really try hard and learn.no regrets whatsoever.i used to take their word for it when other people kept telling me that, and in turn used that to comfort people occasionally when they felt down.but we seldom fully understand the true meaning of these encouragers now-turned cliches, do we?

yesterday, i returned to my primary school once more.not to see the teachers, but instead my friends.my primary 6 form teacher was in the hospital, but i didn't really bother.she doesn't remember my name, and there isn't really any reason why i should feel anything grateful towards her, and to all my other teachers.even if they actually tried to do something for me, it unfortunately went completely unnoticed.no love for you, so-called teachers who only know of bringing about hatred in your students towards yourself.i've never felt any sense of pride or belonging to my primary school, and it'd be highly unlikely that i ever will, someday far, far, far away from now.

sorry, that's what i want to say.apologies for my not paying attention in class,disability to learn half of the things you say and extreme capability of making you feel unappreciated.

may the day soon come when i learn to appreciate and love well enough for the people all around me.

i went to play badminton with my friends today.it was rather weird.at some point(in the court), i sat down and did my math homework on the chair sitting nearby.very strategically placed, indeed.well, at least i learnt how to play better.

i have cca again, tomorrow.my supposedly one-week long break sure didn't leave me rested.i hope i am ready.